Blog from Lynsey

So tomorrow marks ten weeks since my dad died and Fathers day is also creeping upon us. It's finally begun to hit me. I have a difficult time talking about how I really feel. I can blab about my opinion, the news, fashion and other nonsense yet my true, raw emotions are harder for me to bear. I struggle with being vulnerable.



So this is my attempt to open up a bit.



Most of you have tried to reach out, but the time for me to talk hasn't been right yet. And I do appreciate everyone who has lent a shoulder to cry on. Thank you so much. I worry that when I attempt to share my daily blunders I will be burdening all of you, however I am so thankful for friends who keep coming back for more of my misfortunes to share the pain with me. I know that none of my friends can take my pain away, no matter how much they try, but they can lighten the load especially the days I am wandering down some very dismal paths. I thank you for listening to me, as I fondly recall story after story of my dad & I. Thank for your patience & your quiet smile, I know its hard not always having the right words to say, but just listening helps. All I have I left are the stories, memories and jokes about my dad, the imprints he left behind I hope will never be forgotten. Thank you for helping me keep his cherished memory alive.



Since his initial diagnosis in January, I have consistently refused to deal with my dad's illness on what some would call a " healthy level", unless you consider 3 trips to the gym each day, 2 hours of sleep each night, and even my constant traveling healthy, all of this is mainly due to my need for control. I've been battling this urge to control my life & everything around me to create stability. Sometimes I've found it, but I usually don't. And yes, trust me, I know God is the only one who has absolute control over my life or give me peace & security. Yes, yes I know that. But right now the only God I know took my dad away from an already hurting family.



For the past several weeks, I have been scrambling to super glue all of the cracks & pieces of my life back together and I just ran out of super glue… My heart is broken, missing a vital link, one that I can't have back. I have run out of answers for myself, my sister and my mother; it's eating at me. I thought well, even if Dad is gone, I can attempt to be as strong as he was, so that the rest of my family won't be was terrified for the future as I am.



And so now, ten weeks out, my mom zones in and out of a depressed stupor,( I wrote this on May 19 and my mom was very depressed)most of time, mom cries in a healthy way, my sister is anxious & unsure about her future, my extended family is either condescending or overly cautious, and I, I find myself caught. Caught walking the boundaries of where I have to stop saying yes to my family at my own expense and where I start to pursue my own dreams, goals and adventures, the same ones that used to make my dad so proud.



Barack Obama came to Roseburg in mid May and it was such a bittersweet event. While my dad was in the hospital in Portland, I would call him almost hourly & inform him of the latest happenings at the Boise Obama office. He would tenderly give me advice on how to approach adversity and then laugh with, but usually at, me for the ridiculous things I'd said and done that day. Every time I came to visit, he'd always humor me, and together we would watch CSPAN, CNN, MSNBC, etc for their nightly coverage of the elections. I'd buy him the daily paper yet by the time it made it to his room, it would be crumpled from my thrashing, he would ask me what I had read and we would discuss it. My dad was a huge fan of Michelle Obama; every time that he would watch her speak he would call me with his intelligent and unique commentary.



I felt a stab in my heart on that Saturday, seeing his cohorts, friends and fellow church members at an event he would he so thoroughly enjoy. I hate knowing that for the rest of my life, I will be faced with wonderful and tragic events, all of which I will face without being able to hold my father's hand. I again felt that stab while I was working in Montana, so much happened during the days leading up to my campaign visit as well the days that followed, it hurt so much knowing, no matter how much I wanted to call him to cry, laugh or celebrate, I couldn't do so. Senator Obama won the nomination while I was in Montana, I was out canvassing when I heard the news, a part of me was sad that I couldn't share that history making moment with him, yet another part of me, was filled with joy, I knew how proud he was of me, not only for getting involved but for standing up for my convictions, and with my hard work I had a hand in making history, with my dad smiling down from Heaven.



Now, honestly I am so bitter right now. Its Fathers Day weekend, a holiday that was always so easy to celebrate. My dad was the most amazing person I've ever known. He was the world's best cheerleader & an eternal optimist, yet with a firm grasp on reality and truth. My dad never wanted me to stop dreaming. Anything I have ever wanted to do or become he encouraged whole-heartedly. From outer space to spiders to history and politics, my dad would explore every topic that had caught my fancy for that week. He not only encouraged learning but he lead by example, he constantly challenged me to question what I know and change my thinking or outlook to comprehend a topic more in depth. It was irritating at times but he always pushed me to achieve to my potential, not what the world calls number one but for me to be my number one.



And with such an amazing father, who happened to spoil me without fail, I never grew tired of being a daddy's girl or holding my dad's hand when we would cross-busy city streets. And the day I had to tell my dad I had been raped, pained me, for I could see in his eyes how much that destroyed him, knowing that for the first time in his life, he couldn't save his baby girl. That summer, while we were in Seaside, he held my hand a little bit tighter as we walked down the promenade. My mom always instructed my sister and I to marry a man like our father, this is why my dad met less than 10% of the guys I've dated. I was worried he would see through what I already knew, these guys are nothing like him and will probably never measure up to be the person I deserve beside me in life.



His colleagues at the ESD, remember how at least once a week I could show up at his office, insisting he take me out to lunch or contribute to my coffee fund, usually both, and he would just smile, looking up from the mountains of paperwork that never seemed to escape his desk, finish his email, grab his coat and walk with me to the Chinese place a block away. Or the days, he was too busy to leave his desk, I'd pick him up a coke, hot coffee & some Safeway takeout and we would have an office picnic, in between his conference calls, impromptu meetings and other tasks that needed to be dealt with. No matter how tense he was that day about sp-ed funding or a new program needing to be re evaluated, my dad created an office atmosphere that I always felt loved in, even if I was interrupting a meeting with a state senator.



I loved my dad more than I can express. I am fighting myself from running through the "what ifs", What if I had told I loved him one more time, what if I gave him one more hug or what if I hadn't gone to class the day he died…



There are some experiences in life that you can look back on, with a slight smile knowing how hard that instance was go to get through yet the end result was worth. I am confident this is NOT one of those situations. I am asking for patience and understanding, as I have simply begun this journey of pain, heartache and worst of all, uncertainty. Some of you have already begun this same journey or sadly walking alongside me, feeling the same hurt. Please keep me in your prayers.

Lynsey

two months without Steve

It's been two months since Steve's death. It's still hard to even say the word "death" and not feel this terrible pang in my chest. Yes, he's gone and how I wish I were gone as well. The longing pain is terrible. I cry daily and then try to take another step. I never knew the pain would be so sharp and so intense. The loneliness without him is so hard. I miss him so badly. Knowing that I will never have this wonderful man beside me is the hardest emotion to grasp. I don't believe I'll ever fully appreciate how very devastating his death is going to be for the rest of my life.

I continue to read books on grief and may attend my first grief support group next week. I wonder if I'll ever love again. I feel so empty and wonder if I'll ever be whole again. A big part of me is missing and I don't know where I go to get that part back or if I'll ever be whole again.

Household repairs are starting to show their ugly face. I can't manage the pool without Steve. It's an old system and the filter and pump are so old, they need to be replaced. That will be an expensive project and scares me to death. And of course I don't know how to work the sytem like Steve did, because that was Steve's job and I never paid attention.

The Smith family has been so wonderful. This past weekend, May 31, they all came out in mass to do a whole day of "extreme home makeover for mj's house". Many of you have been hearing about the "illusive pipe under the kitchen/bathroom floor that Steve has been digging for years". Well, the pipe problem finally got fixed, thanks to a wonderful plumber and a gentlemen on an excavator. These guys came out on the hottest day of the year and proceeded to tear down my front fence, ripped off my side deck of the house, just to get close enough to the back of the house to find the pipe leading under the house.

After all was said and done, the project got finished. Praise the Lord!! Sandy, the excavator driver wouldn't allow me to pay him. I was so thankful for his kindness. And Darrin, the plumber only took a portion of what he would have been paid. So I am so thankful that wonderful people have stepped in during this painful time.

Then my girlfriend, Kathy Gagnon, from Boise drove over to help me clean out closets, rooms,& garage. Going through stuff, boxing items up, storing them in a storage unit, getting items ready for garage sale/or Goodwill. Plus we made many trips to the dump. She was such a wonderful gift from God. I can't walk through a room and know what to do with a piece of paper, let alone know how to make massive decisions on where years of accummulations should go. Thank you Kathy!! You'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me.

Then on Saturday, May 31, the Smith clan showed up in mass to put things back together for me. Craig and the other Smith brothers cut down my mimosa tree at front of the house. The roots were causing problems with the pipes to the sidewalk, so we needed to eliminate that. So the tree came down. Then they built me a new front fence, new fence gate, and placed a new arbor in front of the gate. It looks great. They even painted the fence, so it looks finished. Planted a clematis on each side of arbor and hopefully will grow quickly to cover the arbor that is Plastic and NOT historic. When you live in Oakland and live in a historic house, the historic commission asks that you abide by rules of NOT using plastic, since plastic ISN'T historic!! Oh well, plastic doesn't rot during the Oregon rains.

Then the guys shoveled 3-4 yards of sand to put under the concrete that Steve spend hours of digging out to find the stupid pipe that wasn't where he thought it was. So lots of sand had to be filled in.

Then the guys tore off my upper deck outside my bedroom and replaced the floor and railings. The job was almost finished, but we were 4 spindles short. So when the spindles are replaced, we can paint and stain the deck.

The gals in the meantime, put my wallpaper border up in my bathroom. It looks sharp. Thanks to Deana, Debbie, Sasha, Emily and Grandma Charlene. They got'er done!!

So it was a long day. An emotinal day without Steve. I am so used to Craig, Lee and Steve bantering to each other about "measure twice, cut once". Or who's slacking and who's not! Plus they were always kidding each other and every one else. I missed that. And so I cried most of the day, knowing Steve would be so proud of his family and all the hard work they did for me and our home.

Then Mitch and Ken (Deana's finance) were tying to assist me in trying to get my pool filter and pump to work. That's a tiring job and one I am praying that the Lord will help me find an answer. I've had Rob the pool serviceman out, but I can't seem to get the problem fixed.

So just the many trying issues of learning how to live in an old house without my man and his guidance.

Steve is going to be awarded the COSA Presidents Award in Seaside, Oregon on June 19.
I have rented a beach house for the family to come and stay throughout the weekend to be with me. Being able to hear the wonderful things that will be said about Steve is comforting to me. I know how wonderful he was and is. So it'll be great to hear Scott Perry, the president of COSA reaffirm what we all know to be true.

The days are hard. Nothing seems to help.

I am so thankful for friends who step up to assist me. Even when I don't know that I need the assistance. I am so thankful for family who love me during this very painful process. I'm thankful that Steve's family is so caring, so hard working, so aware of the needs of my home, and how overwhelmed I am with the magnitude of caring for a historic home.

Please pray for Lynsey. She is suffering and acting out in ways that are not healthy. Please pray that I can follow in Steve's lead, what Steve would have done. What wisdom he would have shown. These times are tough.

I pray for guidance and wisdom in making decisions on this house. I pray that I can find someone to assist me with the pool, with the side deck in rebuilding it and making a courtyard. Debbie, my sister, has a picture in her head of how to make a courtyard and a memorial garden to Steve. So I pray that we can finish that project without me getting overwhelmed.

mj

Mired down

I continue to walk through sludge. I enter rooms not knowing if I'm just passing through or had planned on doing something wonderful! Life continues on a slow path of pain and despair as we walk this path of grief. I have a stack of books on grief that lie resident on Steve's side of the bed. I read until I fall asleep. I devour these books looking for someone/something to give me hope. So far I haven't found much hope. I read "life will never be as it was" "your life will slowly evolve into a new life that you devise for yourself:--how inspiring. My life with Steve is no longer and I'm to "evolve into something" how exciting!! Do I wake up one morning and say "I think I'll become a scientist" Or I'll take up belly dancing--

I am so sad, so alone, so devastated by the enormonity that I will no longer be loved the way I've been loved for the past 31 years. I feel that a part of my body should be missing..........the hole in my heart continues to bleed and pour all over the ground and no one even notices!

Lynsey and I live together in this large house and we are so much alike that we are in constant battle with each other. Each expressing our grief in a way that makes the other mad. I hear Steve whispering in my ear, "Relax honey, you two are so much alike--it'll be OK." I miss his wisdom, his slow delicious wit. I miss the teasing, the little jokes that only we could enjoy and smile. Where do I but this need?? The books don't address how we are to continue on missing the very essence of our love.

The book says God is our Comforter. I have yet to feel the comfort. I only experience His silence. I don't believe God is present at this time. I felt Him when Steve was so ill and knew that He walked beside us. But since Steve has died, I have yet to feel the love and comfort of the Lord. Did he disappear with Steve?

I feel that my girls & I are sailing in a boat where the waves threaten to overtake us and threaten to drown us in the deep dark seas.
Some days I welcome that thought. Other days I worry there is disaster around the corner coming from another onslaught. Every day brings new devastation. PERS, insurance items. Steve was such a great administrator and wanted to leave us financially OK. Unfortunately, the best laid plans have started to unravel. Lord where are you? Each phone call, each letter, bring a few more depressing pieces of
uncertainty that we will be OK.

We've given our lives to the Lord. He took away my love, my future and right now I fear for my present.

mj

Learning how to live a life without the love my life!

It's been 4 weeks since Steve left to be with God and it's been hell on earth for me.
Realizing that I know longer have my lover, my companion, my confidante, father to our children, is a devastating realization. I sometimes wonder why more widows don't commit suicide because the feelings are so raw, so hopeless, and the future so bleak. I know Steve is with God. But I am without anything remotely like our life used to be. God has left us with a future with no hope. And that is probably the very worst feeling, I could feel.

I'm reading books on grief. But even those books don't give me much Hope. I try to read the Bible and that's no better. Where is God? He's probably holding us in place, but I sure don't feel safe. My girls aren't doing much better than I. We don't eat, hardly sleep and try to go on as best we can. The world still goes round, while our world has stood still and we don't know what to do.

Lynsey and I were to Nampa, Idaho last weekend. Lynsey visited her college friends before they left for summer break. I visited with college friends who drove the distances to come to Steve's memorial service. They hosted a dinner for me. It was nice, but there's still the empty chair next to me, that will never be filled by Steve. How do I go forward? The world is paired like Noah's Ark and I'm alone.

People try to offer advice, tell me that time will heal. Not sure what to do with the platitudes. They still have their spouses in place.

Plus people don't know what to do with my anger at God. Why would God take Steve and will us with absolutely no future and no hope? Steve and I have always held Jeremiah 29:11-14 as a great promise. Unfortuntely, all my plans of propserity and having a future have dissolved with the death of Steve.

If something had happened to me, Steve would totally immerse himself at work 24/7 until my girls demanded his attention. The job outlook in Douglas County is so bad and the recession is hitting every market. No jobs in event coordination are even in the horizon for me. So I feel a double hit by God. He has given me a passion and no jobs are in sight. So what do I do? The answer is nothing.

Hopefully as I continue this journey, these blogs will get a little less dreary. I am so looking for Hope. I am looking for God to produce a little future for me and my girls.

mj

Steve's Memorial Service and Celebratory Reception

I want to thank all of you who were able to attend Saturday's services. We were so blessed to have so many friends and family in attendance. I am just sorry that I was not able to personally thank everyone in person for attending. Steve would have been genuinely overwhelmed by the many accolades that were given in his honor. The tributes were so gracious and kind (and True)!! Steve loved the Lord and he loved his family and friends. And his greatest wish would be to see everyone again in Heaven with him.

The hard begins for myself and my girls in learning to live a life without him. The ache is very real and very harsh. I have to remember to breathe in and out. And at times I wish I couldn't breathe and could be with him. And in those moments, I know that Steve gave me the task to care for "our girls and grandchild". I miss him so much and don't know how I will live life without him. He was the most caring, kind and generous man. He loved me like no one else ever has or ever will. And to view the rest of my days without him is probably the hardest reality I face. I am angry with God for taking away my soul mate and lover, but realize that I didn't want him to suffer as he had the last night before his death. God answered my prayer and took him home. But the giant hole is so large and my pain so great!!

My friend, Linda Pierce, from Rockford has stayed with me and will return home to Rockford on Thursday. Then I will be all alone and trying to fill the many empty hours of being without Steve.

Lynsey has enrolled in our community college and will be staying at home. But she is dealing with her grief by keeping so busy she can't think.

Amanda is dealing with her grief by crying and spending time with me as much as she can while working and caring for Faith.

I'm not sure what to say.......how does one adjust to life without someone as dynamic a person as Steve? What do I do with my life? How do I care for this huge house by myself? Do I stay in my home? Do I stay in Douglas County?

I feel like I'm walking in sludge. I can't think. I can't process information. I walk into rooms not sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I have lots of busy work to do, e.g life insurance issues, taxes to work on, dig out my house after months of being away from home, try to find a rhythm to life without Steve and
as half a couple, trying to stay sane, & make tear soup. I talked to many of you about the book "Tear Soup" and in reading the book,I realize that time and tears will be my only solace. This journey is not one I recommend for anyone. Plus this journey needs to be taken alone, and occasionally with the help of friends and family.

As I remember the "list" I needed to ask help of. I think of other needs of a widow. There should be a list for widows who are walking this strange & difficult journey alone. Being responsible for a house when your mate was the one in charge of all things mechanical, repairable, and fixable. A daunting task, a task I don't relish doing. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the immense charge of speaking wisdom to my daughters. Words that Steve used so eloquently to them. The quiet strength he had in every situation. Please Lord, what do I do?

I know not what my future holds............but am hopeful that the Lord will hold my hand in the future without Steve.

much love,
mj

Steve's Ties and memorial service

As many of you know, Steve loved children and he found an organization that made "Save the Children" ties and for years our family purchased ties for him to wear to work. He was a "tie- type of guy". So we have decided to celebrate his love of children and ties at his memorial service.

We have discovered that he has dozens of ties and we have one for each of you to wear to the memorial service; should you decide you'd like to wear one. We have picked out ties for many of you to wear. Some are silly; some not--but we'd like you to wear a tie in memory of Steve on Saturday.

With the left over ties we are going to use them as part of the centerpieces on the tables at the reception.

I will attempt to get your ties to you, if possible. If you can come by my house, I will allow you to choose what I have left. Gals, you can wear the tie as a head band, a belt, a scarve or a tie--your choice!

Steve would think this action funny and his wonderful sense of humor would be tickled by your wearing of his ties.

IF you have a fun tie that kind of looks kooky--please wear it in Steve's honor. No one needs to know that the tie you are wearing is Not from Steve's collection.

I'm trying to keep Steve's memory alive without sobbing and this way I think I can, by looking around and seeing his ties on so many that he loved!
If I haven't included everyone, please pass the word along and emphasize that If anyone has a childrens or funny tie of their own, please wear it..

mj

Preparations for the next week

Hello dear friends,

In preparations for my father's upcoming Memorial/Celebration of Life there are a few things we are asking of you, as if you all of you haven't given us enough yet, HA.
But I promise this is nothing like the infamous " List"

-- If you happen to have pictures of steve, please email them to me (Lynsey) as I will be creating a DVD for his celebration of life.
my email is: nycismykindacity@gmail.com

--If you would like to share a memory of my father at the celebration of life, please write that down or just remember it, because we would love everyone to share if they would like to.

-- Also check out this article written by the News Review our local paper. :)
http://newsreview.info/article/20080404/NEWS/844311900

-- Lastly if you want to help with food that will be served on Saturday please contact Sue Green at 541.672.8415

Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with us during this extremely difficult time.

~Lynsey